Happy Halloween

I remember Halloween parties growing up as involving all sorts of games. Mostly games like bobbing for apples or getting blindfolded and sticking your hands in bags of gross slimy stuff and having to guess if it was brains or guts. And, of course, haunted houses, which if staffed by school kids or church people, usually served to create more laughs than fright. Anyhow, as I got older, Halloween turned from trick-or-treating to something a little more risqué, perhaps. That’s because once you pass a certain age, you can’t just dress up as a witch, you have to be a hot witch. If you want to be a fairy, you have to be a sexy fairy. And if you have any thoughts of dressing up as something cute and furry, it had better be a Playboy Bunny. No haggard, frightful shrews to scare away the boys – just lusty temptresses. I think I prefer the scary to the seductive (I would personally rather intimidate than entice), but my costumes become scantier and scantier every year.

At any rate, I am getting off track. The whole point of this story is to share how my participation in a Halloween game at the age of 26 nearly led to ingestion of a fake nail.

So, we arrived at the Miyakonojo Halloween party. Luke as a boxer and I as a fairy. I was thinking we would have some drinks, mingle, maybe dance a little. But, no. First there was a little talent portion – some singing witches who collectively sounded like the Japanese version of the Chipmunks. Followed by a game called, “Pass the Parcel,” or something like that, where you stand in a circle and pass around gift and when the music stops you get to unwrap it. If you’re the one to unwrap the last layer, you get to keep the present. After that, it was time for, for lack of a better name, “Inhale the Large Cream Puff Before Anyone Else.” I was roped into this messy display against my will, as they were in need of another gaijin (foreigner/outsider/stranger, whichever you prefer) participant. So anyway, I was paired up with a Japanese girl who actually spoke quite a bit of English, and we agreed that I, being the American, would do the eating.

So, it works like this. The person eating sits in the chair with her hands behind her back, while her partner, blindfolded, feeds her the pastry. Fine, I thought, I can do this (see, I forgot about that Japanese hot dog guy who holds the world record, so I thought that as an American, I had the contest on lockdown, except for Luke of course, who would kick my ass at pastry eating in the row behind me). Upon taking my seat and prepping to chow down on this giant, powder-covered, baked good, I suddenly realized that my partner had some very long acrylic nails. Yes, long, long, fake fingernails. And, while long nails really gross me out, I decided to forget about it and forge ahead.

It was all fine and good – except for the fact that I was really a slow eater – until we neared the end of the contest and in my hurried chewing I came across a foreign object. Thinking it was plastic from the pastry box or something, I pulled it out of my mouth only to discover my partner’s fingernail. All, I can say is that it tops the list of grossest things that have ever happened to me. And, the worst part was the ensuing awkwardness. I didn’t know if I should tell her that I almost swallowed her fingernail, and hence make her feel embarrassed for wearing cheap nails, or if I should just pretend like I never came across it. I opted for the latter. Surely, she’s still wondering what happened to her nail, probably assuming that it was swept away in the mounds of cream covering the table at the end of the game. But, I will always have to live with the fact that I almost swallowed an acrylic nail while participating in an eating contest at a Halloween party in Southern Japan. Weird.

The remainder of the party was somewhat lackluster in comparison to what could have turned into a digestive debacle. I spent much of the time pulling filo dough and dried cream off my costume and face, while attempting to communicate, in drunken tones, with partygoers who spoke no English. Tired and sticky we made an abrupt exit, escaping all invitations to continue the revelry in great Japanese fashion at a karaoke bar.